Willo O'Brien

Lastnight I wrote that (previous post) and took a long hot shower, instead of eating the rest of the pint of ice cream in my fridge :) so thank you therapeutic blog!

Talk about working it out… lastnight my head decided to keep processing this breakup, with yet another crazy dream:

I had gone to Rick’s office… and it’s unclear what happened in the beginning, but eventually I remember he was really upset… upset to see me there, even though I was doing it for him (that part of the dream coming later). But there was something more, something about him being upset about seeing me a few times recently, and him feeling like it wasn’t fair, because he didn’t choose to, and it only hurt him to see me. But then I got mad, feeling vulnerable and scolded that I had been caught trying to see him and be around him, so I hit this wall next to us and stormed off crying.

He followed after me and told me he had been wanting to see me, too.. but that it was just too hard. I think at this point he was crying… and so we decided we just better go take care of the paperwork… which was why I was there. We walked to the front office – which felt more like a school than an office building. Lots of overweight chipper office ladies who you could tell had been there for years, and probably had their lunch in tupperware in the lounge.

I was there to sign a document that said we were no longer together. Apparently, his boss said that without me, he could pay him whatever he wanted… so by signing this, he was going to get a huge raise, but it meant us having to say goodbye.

The whole process of making sure we had the right form, and every single line filled out and signed correctly was really emotional for both of us. When Rick instructed the secretary to do something, his voice was shaking and you could tell they were all very sympathetic to our situation and felt our sadness.

After that he walked me out of the building to say goodbye… but when I was leaving they had this odd exit where you had to put a card through. Mine had been updated as saying I was going on ‘extended leave’, and the lady at the turnstile exclaimed, “Oh! You’re going on vacation! How exciting!” And Rick and I just had to go along with it… muster up smiles and nod back at her. However, the card had also rung up that I was going to have to pay her $58.99 to leave… but she liked us and immediately changed it to zero and let me out for free. I don’t remember saying goodbye to Rick, I just remember being glad I didn’t have to pay that exit fee on top of all of the anguish I’d been through on that visit.

Later that day I went back to his office, to return this paperwork I had found that allowed me to come and visit some day. I remember feeling kind of like I shouldn’t go back, but I had found it while cleaning things out and felt like I shouldn’t throw it away… and I also wanted to drop it off as a gesture that I wanted to be invited back at some point, and to let him know I wasn’t feeling ok with being away forever. But as I dropped it off, the office ladies realized it was the old form (not under the new codes) and that he would have/could have just asked for a new one… making me feel like I shouldn’t have gone out there again. But the office ladies were being comforting. I didn’t see Rick at all… and when I went to go leave again, I was afraid I would get charged… but I didn’t. I don’t remember what else happened, but I had gone through the whole traumatic exit/are they going to charge me scenario about 5 times in the dream. At one point realizing I no longer had the “gold card” to come in & out as I pleased. And each time I left, I was more and more weary of ever coming back since it felt like every time I did I didn’t feel like I would be able to get out without getting prosecuted.

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Alright.. time for coffee.

like a big fat baby, i feel like crying and sobbing…. i don’t even have the energy to stomp my feet… i just feel weighted down by sadness. :(

“it’s not you, it’s me” I wanted to say to the man I met tonite. a man with nice eyes, who is in the front row just like me… he even owns his own business (a great sign in terms of who I’m attracting). a man who was sorta kinda picking me up in a nice way, but quickly got the hint when i didn’t – make that, *couldn’t* – bring myself to reciprocate.

I don’t think I can date for months and months and months from now.

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tonite my friend saw me at the show and mentioned she saw rick outside, and asked if he might be waiting for me. “No.” I had to reply. But, in the six feet and people shuffling past between us, she felt why… and all she could say back was, “Oh.”.

Ya… Oh…. Oh, I see. So much is in that. So much of why…

right that second, it felt like my heart was broken into a thousand little pieces.

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Lastnight I had a dream about Rick. We were on some long hike, or course… where every so many hours we’d find ourselves running into a small little forgotten town. But I was by myself… he was somewhere on the course, but we weren’t together. And it was like a treasure hunt of sorts… except I didn’t know where I was going… or what I was looking for, but the game was to just keep walking along the path until you found each little town and then figure out what message or next step you could glean from the every day people who lived there.

At some point in the dream, we were standing together on the path. Standing closely, holding each other closely…. kissing passionately and me, telling him over and over how much I love him. Over and over, it’s all that would come out, in between our sweet kisses. I knew I shouldn’t have been telling him… but I couldn’t stop and he didn’t mind.. so we just cherished that moment where we were letting ourselves love each other so deeply.

I remember thinking, while I was on the course by myself, that I wanted to find him again. But there were mixed emotions.. not knowing whether I should go looking for him or not… and if I did.. would that mean having to go forward or back where I had already walked.

Pretty interesting….

I miss him terribly. He looks at me like he can’t tell me what he’s feeling… and I probably look back at him like nothing’s wrong.. and everything’s fine…when inside me I think I’m yelling at him, “why can’t you show me how you feel!!” but of course he can’t. neither of us can… we just have to act like everythings fine and keep going.

relationships are stupid. I don’t want to be with anyone ever. (not true) I just wish it didn’t feel like it’s getting harder and harder the longer time goes by. Isn’t this supposed to be getting easier? ug.

OK! I have finally posted all the photos from my awesome show-ho’in week of Noisepop madness!! I’m quite thrilled actually.. this little on loan SD300 takes some sweet ass point & shoot shots. Well, it’s not entirely point & shoot with me behind the wheel… I do mess w/ the ISO & have even found taking it down to -1 stop can help faces with spotlights on them from getting too washed out.. but suffice to say the hot little bugger fits sweetly into my back pocket and THAT is awesome.

So, without further ado:
	Robbers on High St w/ Von Iva @ Cafe Du Nord Feb 25, 2005 I *LOVE* Robbers on High Street. Humble guys with an awesome sound. Von Iva is entertaining to watch.. she’s balls out & it’s always surprising she hasn’t hurt herself or someone else throughout the duration of her set. :) good times! After the show (it was an early show from 5:30-8), Jem & I went for yummy Marcello’s pizza & hit The Flaming Lips Documentary: Fearless Freaks at the Castro Theatre. All Noisepop shows.
	Hot Hot Heat w/ Louis XIV @ GAMH Feb 24, 2005 Louis XIV was HOTT and rockin fun! Hot Hot Heat absolutely blew my mind once again.. making me dance all night, jump up & down and proclaim them as one of my favorite. bands. ever! Hot Hot Heat was one of my favorite bands of 2003 and I love, love, love them…
	David Byrne w/ The Extra Action Marching Band @ The Fillmore Feb 23, 2005 This show was INCREDIBLE!!!!! David Byrne is a God of the musical world. I have mad respect for him!! It was great. The crowds are always fantastic too – no stupid 17 yr olds moshing for no reason :) The Extra Action Marching Band came out at the very end, which was a total surprise, considering I think we all thought they either weren’t playing with him after all, or that there must just be a few members up there on stage with D. Byrne… but they came out (all 20+ of them) and made some incredible noise with all their fantastic marching band goodness. Then they hopped up on stage w/ my main man, David Byrne, and rocked out a kick ass "Burning Down the House!" – you can watch a small clip of it here (need Quicktime). Note: This show wasn’t a part of Noise Pop, it just happened to be booked smack dab in the middle of it.
	Ted Leo @ GAMH w/ The Herms, The Joggers & Communiqué Feb 22, 2005 Excellent kick off to a week of Noisepop shows! The Herms were great, The Joggers (despite some attitude) sounded great live! And Communiqué… *sigh* I think I have a huge crush on the lead singer. Don’t tell him! :) He got a new haircut or something. I dunno.. but I LOVE THEM! Ted Leo and his phuzzy phreaky Pharmacists didn’t disappoint, as usual (I’ve seen them about 6 times now!). The 17 year olds moshing for no reason DID dissapoint, but the one rabid fan was slightly entertaining. Ted even had to say, "Can we talk about this after the set?" at one point to him, because he was one of those "I need your undivided attention!" kind of freaks. Overall a great night of 4 rockin bands!

Stay tuned! I still have about 4 shows to hit in the next 2 days!

Photos/events from the last 10 days prior to Noisepop:

	Drinks at the LAC w/ Sarah and friends Feb 19, 2005 Sarah Hatter gathered some peeps for drinks.. and I invited my friends Jim & Lyne. I didn’t stay for long, but you can sure has heck bet we took photos in the short time I was there! :)
	Monster Drawing Rally @ Southern Exposure (Gallery) Feb 18, 2005 Jem, Tania, Darren & I hit the rally and got fed (creatively). It was fun!
	Fastpass and Hijack the Disco @ Thee Parkside Feb 17, 2005 2 great local bands! My friend (and client) Oscar plays bass in Fastpass, and I’d also met Mike (guitar) and Tracy (lead vox) before, so it was great to finally see them live! Hijack the Disco played an incredible set that moved us all! I love those boys! Oh, and you can now see (boobalicious) Misty sportin their t-shirt, too! ooh!
	Random February Shots One of me and Kazoobie Fuzzy Pants O’Brien (of course); A shot of my friend and client, Jeff, of DCResource.com (that I designed!), my awesome Sarah Hatter bag that holds my drum sticks and more…. and shots of my 2 framed posters: Pretty Girls Make Graves and Arcade Fire, newly hanging in my living room!

“Have you got any soul?” a woman asks the next afternoon. That depends, I feel like saying; some days yes, some days no. A few days ago I was right out; now I’ve got loads, too much, more than I can handle. I wish I could spread it a bit more evenly, I want to tell her, get a better balance, but I can’t seem to get it sorted. I can see she wouldn’t be interested in my internal stock control problems though, so I simply point to where I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.

– Nick Hornby, “High Fidelity”

Thanks to my very funny and fantastic internet friend, Steve The Sneeze for surprising me with *his* favorite book!! YAY!!! I’m already 77 pages in, this poignant paragraph above being where I left off.

I haven’t seen the movie since it came out, and I had honestly forgotten how distraught Rob is over his relationships. I know, it’s practically the entire plot of the movie, but can you blame me for categorizing it more near “kick ass movies about music freaks” over “movie about relationships”? No.

Needless to say, I’m enjoying the read VERY much. And unlike Steve, who has vowed to never ruin his favorite book by watching the movie, I already have it queued up in Netflix so that I can watch it again after I read the book. :) I also have to admit, I like that Jon Cusack’s voice is in my head while reading it… because he’s just adorable.

Thanks for the wonderful surprise, Steve! And for the rest of you, you can look forward to me cultivating more top 5 lists.

why is it that when there are only a few more flakes swimming around in the milk, they can be so tricky to get on the spoon? it’s like all of a sudden they TRY to dodge it.. “oh shit, here it comes! Run to the other side of the bowl – quick!”

Ok, change of plans.. Kristin wants our David Byrne served up fresh, and I don’t blame her! So we’re hittin that tonite instead of Friday… which leaves me open to more Noisepop madness, probably starting with that early show: Robbers on High Street on Friday w/ Jem! Yay!

Lastnight was funtatstic. Starting with Happy Hour at Thee Parkside with my friend Mike, and within 5 minutes of being there, running into a guy I went to HS with! NO WAY! When I walked through the back (to claim my free beer of course) I spotted a fellow that looked strikingly like someone I knew many moons ago… and immediately my breath escaped me and I thought I’d seen a ghost! (a common reaction I often have when I see someone from such a different part of my life, all of a sudden standing smack dab in my current life reality and totally out of context)

So I quickly talked myself out of it and hoped this guy didn’t see the insane look on my strange face and I gracefully walked past him to gather my thoughts (and hech hemm, my free beer). After I took a swig, I told my friend Mike all about how I could have sworn that I recognize that guy… etc.. and finally as I told him all about it standing no more than 5 feet away, I had to ask!

I walked over, (and I think I may have even rudely interrupted him & someone talking, but I couldn’t keep it in any longer) and asked, “Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrup, but what’s your name?”. He replied, “Dan Wolf”. OH MY GOD! “Dan, I went to High School with you!” and he said “Willo!” and then we continued with our “oh my god’s” “how long have you lived here’s”. SO COOL TO RUN INTO HIM!!

Dan was a junior when I was a freshman and we were in art class together. :) I was also close, maybe clos(er) with his brother Bas… but overall they’re both totally solid guys that I loved knowing in those crazy years. I remembered Dan was always incredibly talented as an artist, so it was no surprise to see a big fat (aka awesome) camera around his neck and to find out he was actually there to shoot Noisepop. aawww yaaa, Dan!

He even has some of his work in a show that’s up at BoTH right now. Very, very cool. What a blast from the past!

Alright, I’ve run out of time to write any more.. but lastnight was fun, and conveniently enough you can find a recount of the show at my pals, Misty (brand spankin new blogger!) and Jem’s sites. Adios!

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UPDATE: Noisepop Photos are posted

AAAAWWW YAAAAA!!!! I’m so pumped up today because today kicks off a Week In Rock that’s sure to please your favorite show ho! Jem & I are show ho cohorts on most every single show this week, except Friday night Kristin and I are going to David Byrne & Jem is probably going to hit Robbers on High Street (who I love, too! But I couldn’t pass up seeing David Byrne again… I love him!)

Ok, so here’s what I am going to this week:

Tonite: First, Happy Hour at the Noisepop kick off party at Thee Parkside! Mike Lin is puttin me on his +1 and I’m sure I’ll see a lot of my favorite show goin music freeky geeks there. yay! Then I’m having dinner w/ my pal, Stig at the yummy Thai House Express before headin over to meet Jem and dance our booties off the kick arse bands booked at GAMH: The Herms, Communiqué, The Joggers & Ted Leo & the Pharmacists!!! I’m stoked on this line up!

Wed: I have BAM.. and so it’s my night off… again preparing for more nights-o-rock. :) I might come home & do work, depending upon my workload.. or watch my next movie: Hedwig & the Angry Itch! Can you believe I haven’t seen that yet? I am excited. Perfect for my week of rock, too :)

Thurs: Louis XIV & Hot Hot Heat at GAMH! WOOOHOOOOOO!!!! Hot Hot Heat was one of my favorite bands of 2003 and I love, love, love them… Stoked to see them again and hear their new stuff.. and to check out The Mall & Louis XIV, who sound great from the tracks I have of theirs so far!

Friday: David Byrne w/ my pal, Kristin! and The Extra Action Marching Band is opening, which will be cool to see on Fillmore’s stage.. We saw them at the Eagle once, and they’re so fun! Lots of instruments and crazy people… Big sound! Hott ladies! woohoo! Also, prior to the show, I’m going to try have Kristin & I hit the JPG Magazine opening night/launch party at Reverie Cafe.

Saturday Afternoon: Joanna Newsom + more at Swedish Hall – then in between, we’re going to hop over to the Lola Gallery and see Sirron Norris and Merikay MacKenna’s Animal Heads will be there again, too! Then off to our Sat Evening show: Damon & Naomi & Vetiver at BoTH

Sunday Afternoon: (I might hit, depending on work and tiredness level) The Thermals & Helio Sequence at BoTH – Sun Evening: The Walkmen!! who I am so excited to finally see live! and Film School, too – woohoo!

Don’t forget you can find most all the show info (at least the ones I was interested in :) on my show calendar. Or you can use the venue links to navigate to the individual venues & see all their shows!

If you’re a big ol’ Noisepop geek, like my fantastic friend Misty xoxoxo!!, you’ll make and distribute an Excel sheet of all the shows. Damn, I knew I loved that girl for some reason. :) Ted & Misty were also the providers of the fabulous spreadsheet/timetables for last year’s Coachella. *sniff* I’m surrounded by music lovers as hard core as me and it absolutely warms my little music loving heart!!!

So let the fun begin! wooohooooo!!! Hope to see you at a show!!!

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UPDATE: Noisepop Photos are posted

umm, why am I getting so bad on reporting on things I’ve done? well, I’m frickin busy! that’s prolly why. anyway – things i’ve done recently… in short:

UPDATE: Photos are posted from all these events!! See this post: my busy life… in pictures

• last thurs: this show at the parkside. ROCKED! great to see Fastpass, and my client/friend Oscar kick some ass on the bass. (don’t rhyme that, although I know you’re tempted too.. it doesn’t work!) and then extra fantastic to see Hijack the Disco play again and then meet/chat it up with all them afterwards. I have gotten to know Mike’s (one of the lead singers) brother, Taylor but still hadn’t met all the Hijack boys formally yet… so that was cool! And they sounded GREAT and put on a rockin show that reaffirmed for me even more how far these guys will go. Their drummer Trevor absolutely rocks on the drums, and even pulled out a kick ass whistle blow that made me look back at Misty and mouth, “I am SO getting a whistle!”. I knew a ton of ppl there, some other clients I work with (at the same company Oscar works at) were there suporting him too, which was awesome… and my friend Jim even stopped by later to catch the last set. Overall, I was so stoked to be out at a show, drinking beers & being surrounded by other music loving friends = it’s what I do best!
• last friday: happy hour at the hush hush w/ jem, tania, misty, ted, heather, colin and more! Then Jem, Tania & I left and met Darren over at Southern Exposure’s Monster Drawing Rally – which was awesome!! My 3rd year in a row going to this thing & it is like FOOD FOR MY CREATIVE APPETITE! I love it and loved being there with my pals. I snapped a bunch of pics, but have I uploaded them yet? no! but Darren posted about it on his blog.. but he doesn’t have post pages up for me to easily link to the post.. hech hemm, Darren!
• saturday: I tried to work.. but I dunno.. I didn’t get as much as I would have liked done.. and then went over to Rebecca’s house to say Bon Voyage to her, as she’s going to work in Singapore for a few months. *weep* My gym buddy!!!!!!! Super sad, but she’ll have a neat experience, and so that’ll be cool. The BEST part about going to see her was she gave me this scarf she’s been making me for a long time and it’s SOOOO incredible!! Once again, I have photos – but they’re not up yet. But just wait till you see! Then I went over & met Sarah Hatter, Lyne & Jim at the LAC. Buzz was there, and shortly after MJ showed up, and then a little later Lucia & Jane, too! But by that time I had to skat.. I wasn’t even drinking, and I had to run one last errand before 10pm and then coming home to cuddle up with a movie. :) I have been taking REALLY good care of myself, so as to be sure I’m all healed up for this week of ROCK! (post coming soon about that)
• Oh and the movie I watched: Maria Full of Grace. SO GOOD. Intense, yes, but no reason to not watch it. It’s a fantastic drama… and way more about this girl’s life in Columbia and the experience than it is about drugs. Anyway I recommend it. Also it’s great because these girls had never acted, and this movie has risen up out of film festivals and gotten attention and recognition all over the globe. Which is cool! Not to mention it’s helped heighten awareness of the dangers for desperate youths in Columbia considering becoming a drug mule, and has even had reports of people changing their minds due to seeing this movie.
• sunday: I actually worked my arse off on Sunday. :) wahoo! Caught up on lots of stuff and then got myself in bed by 11:45 (again on plan to totally rest up for week of ROCK!)
• monday: work, work & more work! yay! hahhaa.. seriously, things are heatin up around here & I have a ton of work on my plate. Hence why I’m behind on the posting and stuff. But I will say it’s good! I’m really excited about the projects coming up.
• Later lastnight, because I just couldn’t work any. more. I watched a movie at 10… The Village. Everyone has panned this flick.. but I actually thought it was REALLY cool! Great twists and overall a very clever plot. I dunno why everyone panned it.. I really liked it. I knew I would and shouldn’t listen to reviewers. I was also nervous I’d be too scared to sleep afterwards (cuz I’m a big scaredy cat about scary flicks), but I totally wasn’t. It’ll make you on edge and feel fear a little.. but overall you’re not totally freaked like some other scary movies where you think at any minute the boogie man is going to bust through the door and kill you. Not that I would know that feeling, because I don’t rent those movies for exactly that reason! hahaha

Today is a very exciting day that I will post about next!!

WOOHOOO!! FINALLY I got Safari running faster!! Thanks to this post!

Within Safari’s preferences, choose “AutoFill,” and then hit “Edit” next to “Other forms.” This is where Safari stores every field in a form that has ever been filled out in Safari, other than logins and passwords. I hit “Remove All,” and Safari was instantly accelerated.

As soon as I dumped all the form info, no more spinny ball! YAY!! Recently this had become a bit more of an urgent matter due to some of the stock photography sites I visit not working on Firefox yet. I’m so relieved!