Willo O'Brien

organization fanatic.

My closet is SO organized!! I love being organized. Everything sits so perfectly on my new bathroom shelves. Actually one might think I have some serious stock in Origins, because one shelf has practically every product in their skin care line: moisturizers, toners, eye creams, and more. I love Origins.

My bathroom is huge in this new place – a luxury you just don’t find quite that often in San Francisco. Actually, most might not say it’s that “huge”, cuz there are definitely larger bathrooms in the world – I’m just so used to the cramped little bathrooms you get in these old victorians! The fact I can buy a little bathroom shelf/cabinet unit, and have a space on the floor for it is awesome! Plus I have a clawfoot tub, which adds wonderful character & charm. Kazoobie loves hangin out in the bathroom while I shower.. but he’s a little bummed about the clawfoot tub cuz he’s not able to sit on the edge since it’s so rounded. He was trying to figure out if he could this morning, and I was a little afraid he might fall in the water soaked tub!

There’s a elementary school right next door – SO right next door that my bedroom window looks down into classroom. Buddy boy sits on the bed & watches the kids and they look up and smile at him… it’s so cute. I know he loves that he can see humans moving about, since the rest of the apt looks out onto our beautiful back garden. But there are some visitor cats that will find out he’s moved in sooner or later. Actually, before I had brought Kazoo over, a very handsome & playful cat named Brewster made his way into my living room and casually started playing with one of Kazoo’s toys that was sticking out of a box. I hope they get along… Brewsters a sweetie and seems very comfortable just browsing through other people’s homes. :)

My shoes are lined up, my sweaters stacked, old stuff packed & stored, wrapping paper & gift bags all in one place, snowboarding gear all in one crate, closet clothes hung by type: tank tops, shirts, sweaters, pants, skirts, dresses, jackets. aaah… to be organized.

One of my future posts will be about all the wonderful lists I’ve made through this time in my life. I love lists. I even make lists of lists I want to make!!

Home is where the fuzzy pants is.

So I’m all moved – oy! It was actually really smooth… I highly recommend One Big Man, One Big Truck. (well except for the wink the guy gave me saying goodbye – eeww) but then again, if I was a (horny) man seeing a girl moving into a place all by herself, I’d probably give her a little wink, too. BUT from a womans perspective it’s like: You idiot! You think I’m really gonna be like, “Hey mover guy – maybe you & I could get together some time? I’m in a really funky space cuz I’ve just seperated from my boyfriend, nothing like makin the pain go away by inviting a grunting mover over for a good time.” EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that was all really harsh to write out here. But I’m just going to leave it. FUCK IT!!!! That’s what I have to say.

So back to the lovely place I’ve moved into – and the title of this post… which is about how I’ve brought my darling fuzzy kitty to our new home lastnight. He did really good and was just LOVEY as ever… it was soooooo cute. And he still did his morning routine this morning of sleeping under the covers with me. I just love this little guy so much. I think he’s really going to be happy in our new little home. I am so far!! It’s really dreamy, which makes this move soo much easier. The fact that I can come home and not help but smile when I see my cute little place. I think I fall in love with it more in more each minute. Especially the more I unpack… it’s just right for *me* and *my* stuff is everwhere. And it feels really good.

Thank you so much Karrie & Anissa who sent me your loving thoughts. And Jake, Michelle, Justyn, John, Jane and my Momma, who have touched base to make sure I’m doing ok. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive network.

Ok… I realize I never really wrote out what happened w/ Matt & I… When it was all going down, I just didn’t know what was going to happen with us. And I knew he was reading my blog periodically, so I didn’t feel comfortable in summing it all up and having him read that, ya know?

Well, now it’s 2004 – and I’m feeling enough distance from it all that I think I can safely spill the summary now. So for those of you who are curious or searching back for “the story” – here ya go:

Basically we’d been dating for 4.5 years (1999 to mid 2003 – and living together for 2.5 years of that) and after all that time we just weren’t sure we wanted to take the next step: Marriage.

That’s the simple story for it anyway. There’s always many, many layers to a relationship – and we both learned a lot about who we are and what we’re looking for. And really, we were really close for eachother… so close that it’s not like any one big thing happened for us to split up… it was just more about realizing we needed to be honest with ourselves and be strong enough to explore the alternative, before another 4.5 years went by.

I had some doubts about him being “the one” over the years – and as I got older and was learning more and more about myself and what I wanted in life, I just wasn’t feeling like it was right. Granted, I could picture it for sure. I wanted more than anything to believe it could work, because I loved him very much… but as I got more direct with questioning myself – and him – we realized we might want to try seperating for awhile and see if that distance helped clear it up.

For the months surrounding it, before and after, it was absolutely heart breaking. And dissapointing and scary and all of that. I felt like we’d worked so hard for something for so many years… we’d seen so many friends get married and have babies… I loved his family and my family absolutely adores him. It was hard to believe it was coming to an end.. but the closer it got, the more it felt like as hard as it was… it was what I needed to do for me. And I had to believe that if we were truly meant for eachother, that a seperation wouldn’t keep us apart.

Well, seperating did clear it up. A lot. I can see very clearly now why we had to go our seperate ways. But it’s still very hard for me to even say that because of that small part of me that for some reason still to this day wants to believe all those years, forming such a wonderful bond with one person, weren’t just a waste of time. But that’s something I’ve learned too. It wasn’t a waste at all… and I know that in my heart and who I am today. I learned so much in that relationship! I feel very fortunate to have had Matt in my life. He’s SUCH an amazing person… it breaks my heart to think about how much I love him still. How much I wish I could make him happy and have us be happy together. We had such a wonderful, loving, and fun relationship.

We still talk… but we don’t see eachother much. I think it’s a little hard to be around eachother still. I sometimes feel like we don’t really have much in common anymore… Except we’ll always have one thing in common – our love for our kitty Kazoobie. Matt got me Kazoo and we raised him for the first 2 years of his life, since he was just a weee little 4 week old meeper! Matt will always be Kazoo’s Daddy, and I’m glad that he wants to stay in his life so much because honestly he’s the one person that can understand my absolute head over heals love for my kitty :)

So it’s a good thing. It was sad – but now I’m really clear on it and happy and free!!!

I’m enjoying my time on my own so much I can hardly believe it. I am doing a ton of fun things like going to shows and meeting new people… things that I always wanted to do more, but Matt didn’t like to do all the time.

I love, love, love my little home all to myself.. and my kitty and I have formed this amazing bond that I never thought possible.

I am not looking for another relationship anytime soon! Right now I’m sorta dating this guy – but even that is SO not anything… we’re just having fun & it’s just for now (and yes, we both know that). I like to consider myself still totally free and single and NOT looking. I am too busy to deal with a guy.. uuh… unless he happens to want to go to shows with me and party with me and stuff :) hahaa… see how that all works out?

SO there ya go. Thanks to all my friends and family who were there for me throughout it all. I had such an amazing support group. :)

Oh – and if you find this and you’re going through something similar… I recommend repeating this to yourself on a daily (if not hourly) basis to help yourself constantly gain a healthy perspective on it all:

SHIT HAPPENS.

It does… shit happens and then guess what? It gets better. I promise :)

::::::::::

keywords: breakup, matt, ex-boyfriend, seperation, split-up, broken heart, moving out, etc. :)

Ch-ch-ch-changes….

There are big changes happening in my life right now.

I’m moving! Yup, you read it right… and it’s entirely possible that if you’re reading this & you know me well or are a family member, that this is news to you. (sorry) I’ve really not told many people at all… so if you are wondering “what the heck?”, please contact me and touch base. I’m not exactly shoutin this news from rooftops, cuz I’m moving for kind of a sad reason…. a reason that I can’t bring myself to spill on this blog.

So anyway – an overall FYI: I’m moving & wont be updating too much (for a couple days anyway, hence my lack of posting this week as well)

On a lighter note – the good news is that I’m pretty excited about my new home… so at least that’s good in this crazy time. Plus my kitty, Kazoo is coming with me, so that’s happy. Kazoo will like our new little place on Treat Ave., after all – that is his favorite thing – treats!)

Ok, that’s all I really have to say right now.

p.s. Universe: I’m open to receiving positive thoughts, supportive friends and kind wishes during this time.

I had a super fun weekend. Friday night I had yummy thai food – my favorite: yellow chicken curry. Saturday Andrea & I went down to the DeAnza Flea Market where my brother Max was set up, selling his Om Gallery merchandise. I picked up a few shirts & shoes that I’m psyched to wear. I was super impressed to see all the great clothes, bags & lanterns they have – it’s really nice and their business’s name is on the tags and everything! This business is really taking off. I’m so proud of the kid – he rocks!

Saturday night I had a few friends over for a fiesta!! I made some mean tacos & we mixed & drank many pitchers of delicious margaritas. It was awesome. Max came up from Santa Cruz, Stig & Rob came over, and my new kick ass friend John too! John even brought an awesome girl named Shannon, who is a singer! She sings jazz/bossa nova and teaches singing lessons too! (will post link to her later) I myself always tout that if I had one wish, it’d be to have such an amazing voice that people would actually like to hear me sing! haha! Instead in reality, I’m on of those “my voice sucks and no lessons would ever help, I promise” but she (and most singing instructors that I’ve met) cares to differ – so who knows. Maybe I’ll just get up the guts to allow her to hear my ‘dying cow’ vocals and maybe even surprise myself! :)

This also reminded me that I should at some point take a few drumming lessons to get that passion out of me toO! I can’t just sit around wishin I was something when all I have to do is go out & learn it & just be it!

Anyway – so the night goes on, we’re having a great time & around 10pm we all sauntered down to the El Rio. We unfortunately missed the Amazon Mollies but the other two bands were pretty fun to check out. We just all enjoyed hangin with eachother most of all. It was a riot! We even hit the good ol’ Odeon for a drink or two before callin it a night. Damn, what a good time!!!! :)

So far this year I’ve read: “Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius“, “Lovely Bones” & “Into the Forest“. Now I’m starting “Stupid White Men” and “Generations“… not to mention all the great designy/DIY mags I get and hardly have had time to sit down & peruse! :) I’m also looking forward to reading “The Corrections“, “White Oleander“and Ayn Rand’s “Fountainhead“.

books, books & more books

whenever I go over to peoples houses, I love to look at the books that fill their bookcases. What’s been filling this mind? What interests them? Who knows, maybe they haven’t read any of them – or they’ve got a few stacked in there that may never be read. Either way, it’s a little window into a person and what makes them tick.

So, I created a peek into the bookshelves in our house. My shelves are full of design books & mags – and a bunch of journals full to the brim with doodles. Inspirational books like SARK and my collection of Calvin & Hobbs.

I have read a lot of wonderful books in the last couple years, but come to think of it I borrowed most of them so they’re not adoring these shelves. (something to keep in mind when you’re peering through a strangers bookshelves – there’s always more than meets the eye!)

Matt has a bunch of plays and acting books in there along with his fictional favorites. And then of course we have all of our toys that sit & keep all the books company!

i scream. you scream.

You guys!!! It’s FREE CONE DAY!!!

(link from susieq)