I feel like, for the most part, I’m really good at connecting with people. I mean, I love connecting with people actually. But, when we don’t connect well or communication lines get fuzzy, I feel it big time.

So lately I’ve had a few times where I look back on conversation and realize it’s gotten awkward. I mean, I feel like if anyone can make a conversation go smoothly it’s me, but with these last couple conversations *I’m* the one who makes it awkward! Pull through, Willo! I blame it all on myself.

Granted the other night when it happened it was loud, and I didn’t know the person that well, so we haven’t mastered our “reading eachothers lips when it’s loud” thing yet. But I just felt like saying, “Sorry I misunderstood you there like 3 or 4 times, saying “uh-huh” or trying to say something to sound concerned about some problem that’s actually not even happening because I heard you wrong the SECOND time you tried to say it so that I would hear it and it ended up taking like 3 or 4 times until I was like OH! and finally had the RIGHT response. oy! Dumb lines of communication being down!

But amidst my wanting to connect is also a part of me that’s having trouble connecting. I mean, even though my mind wants to, my heart says NO!

Like that other night when my lovely friend was trying to tell me something so sweet… she was really spillin it and kinda getting teary eyed even and it was the most wonderful thing ever. We were connecting! Give me more!! But what the hell do I do? I say something STUPID and I felt like I made it awkward. I am totally doing what my ex-boyfriend used to do – make a joke when it hits too close to home. Roll it off, keep it at bay… don’t let it in.

:( This makes me sad. I want to let it in. I want to connect and be close and allow myself to feel it. It’s so hard to be so acutely aware of my defense mechanisms!!

Even with this “friend” of mine I’ve been “hanging out with” for the last SEVEN months. I’m scared to feel this love. It’s so wonderful in so many ways… and I want to let it in. I mean, some days I revel in it and it’s amazing and uplifting and wonderful… and other days I just want to push it away and keep this fortress around my heart strong and independent. I’m totally afraid to love!

And I can’t say anything to him, because what’s he supposed to say? He can’t help me get through it any faster… he’s already been so patient and wonderful as it is. It’s just about me taking it day by day… one step at a time.

Anyway, I’m sorry I push away. I’m sorry I make jokes just when things get close and REAL. I love every bit of it, I really do.

Thank you for still loving me even though I’m such a social reject lately :)