What if I were to tell you…

i can hardly wait for you.

What if I were to tell you… that my body has always looked like this, and it always will, plus or minus 10 pounds or so. Would you still want me?

What if I were to tell you… that while I’m mostly a mover & shaker that accomplishes a lot, sometimes I get frozen with fear and don’t do anything for a few days or sometimes even a week. Would you still think I’m amazing?

What if I were to tell you… that I believe connecting with my body is the #1 most important thing that keeps me connected to my creativity, and yet I constantly find myself disconnected from it, escaping or not listening to it, even when it’s screaming at me with sadness and frustration. Would you still think I’m grounded and tuned-in?

What if I were to tell you… that even though I have done a few things with my art & illustration, I often feel like I completely suck, am a fraud and feel like I should stop wasting my time thinking I have anything to offer in the world with my art, let alone that it will ever make me any money. Would you still think I’m creative and fearless?

What if I were to tell you… that while connecting with people, meeting new friends and connecting current friends with others, is one of my true passions, there are times when I don’t want to see anyone at all. I let down friends and cancel on plans I’ve made, and I hermit up inside my home with my kitty for days. Would you still think I’m such an outgoing social butterfly?

What if I were to tell you… that it’s scary for me to admit my fears. That I feel ashamed of my own insecurity, and sometimes I’m simply not good at loving and accepting myself for who I am. Would you still think I’m so confident?

What if I were to tell you… I am learning more and more every day about how to love and accept myself just the way I am, right here and right now. To be compassionate with myself and others.

What if I were to tell you… that I’m afraid you will see that I am flawed. That I’m not as great as I might seem. That I’m not perfect. And I’m afraid once you see the cracks, you won’t love me anymore and you’ll leave.

What if I were to tell you… I’ve prepared my whole life for that possibility. Which is why I’ve strived to become an independent woman. To not need you. To be self-sufficient. Self-reliant. My own judgment of my self has caused me to put up boundaries and walls with others to keep myself safe.

What if I were to tell you… I wish I didn’t put up those walls. I wish I did have you in my life. I want to meet you and have you stay strong through my keeping you at arm’s length. That you will love me for who I am, and be compassionate with me as I journey forward on my path. That you’d make me feel safe, and remind me that I can shine or make mistakes, and that both are OK.

What if I were to tell you… that as I get happier in my life, it makes even more space for you. And that I know my life will be a little bit sweeter with you as a partner by my side. Growing and learning and shining our lights together. I can hardly wait.

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